Sunday, April 3, 2016

Confronting My Loneliness

The first time I came to terms with loneliness was years ago, in school. I remember being so afraid to confront it that I pushed it aside and refused to come to terms with it again for quite a long time. It was such an eerie feeling and the very idea of loneliness scared me shitless. I was in denial for a very long time. I always thought of loneliness as a sickness which was more mental than physical that would eat me alive and leave me friendless if I ever gathered the courage to confront it. 
I found myself feeling left out and lonely even around people. I couldn’t relate to most of them and sadly I face this problem even now. I was never alone yet I felt lonely. My coping mechanism was very weak perhaps because I was a mere teenager dealing with different emotions all at once- hating on life and society.. wondering why am I the target every time. What kind of a target, you ask? Well, I have been very vocal about certain issues I feel we all face at some point in our life.
I was at the brink of a breakdown a few months ago. In December, to be precise. I did not have anybody to talk to and I did not know what I was going to do about it. This is exactly the time I decided that I had to woman up! I had to accept and embrace the fact that yes, I am a lonely person. What was I going to do about it? That was the first step.
As I started to spend more and more time with myself and my thoughts in general, I found that running away from this monster that I had created in my head was futile. I began thinking about what I want from life, from people… from myself. The first step i.e acceptance led me to dive into the realm of loneliness. It was nothing less than meditation considering I came out a changed person.

Once you are well aware of yourself and your surroundings you stop “feeling” lonely because hey, you have YOU! And no one can be a better friend/lover/whatever you want to call it, than YOU, duh. When I realized this, I did not feel the fear being a lonely person or the constant need to be around people. And if I can do it then anyone can!

*Edited* - 23/7

So, I have always been a sucker for over sized clothing. I found this tee shirt on the paved streets of Janpath, the infamous tourist spot for beautiful Indian souvenirs, junk jewelry, thrift clothing and whatnot! I fell in love with it at once. I have a special place in my heart for super cool graphic clothing so I had to pick this one up. There is this misconception that the color white makes curvy women look big. Honestly, it doesn't. You'd look as normal as you do in a pair of blue jeans. It just highlights your curves- which is not a bad thing, right?!
The choker is doubled up rosary beads that belong to my mother and the shoes were a steal from Zara, two years ago!

As you can see, I have finally moved out of my backyard. The pictures were taken by my lovely friend from college Alice S Tigga. Do check her work out on instagram here. I hope you're having a great day! 

Aishwarya x 


  1. You are Amazing Aishwarya. Your growing up so fast. God Bless you . May you never feel lonely nor Alone. Shivohum Shivohum . Always chant Om Triyamkamb Yajamahe Sughandhim Pushtivardhyam Urrvarukmiv Bhandana Mrityu or Mojkshi Maamrium. God Bless you .

  2. Lonely and bieng alone are two totally different can be alone in a crowd and feel a crowd when alone!! Choice is completely yours!!

    1. I completely agree with you! That is exactly what I mean to say. Loneliness is a state of mind (which I used to be in) and being alone is a physical state. And you're right, in the end it all boils down to an individual's personal choice.

  3. Dear aishwarya,
    Saw this post by you on shraya's profile.Your writing is very soulful.I love the pictures, you look intense and beautiful.
    I am bling struck too.
    Love reetu

  4. I love that you could put yourself out there and write about this on your blog. That shows how well you've dealt with it. I hope you're in a much better place now.


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